Three cheers for  platonic intimacy!

I used to play at romantic relationships, it often felt like I was following a script, playing a part. It was perilous; at any given moment I was going to be found out. I told my friends that I found it all quite technical and it ranged from clunky: “should I kiss him now?” “What are the rules, what are things girlfriends should do?” to embarrassing: “I think I’m supposed to feel something now [insert feeling here]”.

Sometimes I felt robotic, like I wasn’t designed for or capable of experiencing love like other people. I almost believed this flawed logic BUT: platonic love saved me. It showed me the absolute depth and capacity for companionship, loyalty, love, affection and joy I’m fully (and easily) capable of in relationship with other humans. And in friendship I learned how  inaccurate the conclusions I’d started to draw about myself had been. Because with my friends I feel everything.

Friendship love letters remind me that I’m a girl who swapped shoes with my childhood bestie before she left my life forever so we’d “carry each other ” (Well the actual quote of what we said was “best friends never part, maybe in distance but never by heart” and “see you later” instead of “goodbye”). That because of her I’m a girl who still remembers that detail all these years later. That and the Honey choreography, that I still know which songs were on Now (that’s what I call music) 40 because it was blasting at the dance party my friends threw for me for my 13th birthday. It’s how a bathtub dance party turned photo shoot is seared into memory. The tiny details of singing in the car on road trips. It’s in the memory of crying by the ocean, in front of God Himself, in the middle of the night and napping together on a couch before, reluctantly, driving home.

“you radiate what rests in you” – Kavya Dixit

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my friends, and there is no love I value more. I get to walk the earth knowing that I’m a sappy sap softie, with deep wells of emotion; I know that I am a good, decent, intentional and kind friend because of all the humans that have let me into their lives and let me learn this about myself. I have also said that my friends are the great loves of my life. I pour into you and your pour into me, salut.

Family can become friends too. My lover is only my lover if he is also my friend first. My romantic relationship evolved and crossed into beautiful territory a few weeks ago when we realised we’d finally reconciled our friendship identity and had successfully woven it into the fabric of our relationship.
I am who I am because of my friends.
I love you each with specific intimacy. I love you all for who you let me be and who you make me. I am honoured that I get to bear witness and do life beside you. Through Friendship Love Letters I will continue striving to find the words to express, through details, exactly how much.

“What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down? hey yay
Woah
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?”

I have got my friends and my friends have got me (in the tone of, and with apologies to GloRilla).